{Ahh..the little things}

thankful

As we approached the first holiday season without my Dad, I've been feeling VERY overwhelmed.  I was wondering how things would work without him here.  I was worried the family gatherings would be a sad mess.  I was afraid that some of my family (myself included) would not be able to face the day without him there.  Yesterday was the get-together for his side of the family, and just like the other milestone days that I have worried myself sick over...it went fine.  Of course, we all missed him, but we were able to talk about him without any major breakdowns (it sounds like we all had them at home earlier) and get through that first holiday.  For that, I am thankful.

It is sad to me how it is becoming "normal" to not have him here, but that is how it is starting to feel already.  I guess it speaks of how close we were though, it's only been 6 months, but we talked so often that his abscence was felt right away.  As time has moved on, it has become obvious that I can't call him, or that I will no longer talk with him on facebook or email.  And those things are still there.  His e-mails are still there, the songs & pictures that he would send me are still there.  His posts on facebook, his silly jokes, and more songs he loved (or dedicated to us) are still there.  For all of those things, I am thankful.

So today I have a renewed strength.  I feel strong to have made it through yesterday...and of course, the last 6 months.  I just keep going, and life with my kids makes that so much easier because I can't stop caring for their needs.  They still get up on the days when I'd rather not.  They still need me to bake cupcakes and host sleepovers and play and craft and be their Mommy, even on days when those simple things are hard to do.  For that, I am also thankful.

Today's busy work is Ava & I baking turkey cupcakes (probably the same as these) for her Thanksgiving feast at preschool tomorrow.  She has been such a  big helper in the kitchen, and can hardly wait until we can ice them :)

*I am going to try to come back for the next week and post the other things I am thankful for...I'm still hoping to get back to blogging, so maybe this will help!

random thoughts #637

Okay, so it really isn't my 637th random thoughts post, but it does feel like I've done alot of them over time.  I But, I do tend to think like that, so posting things randomly is fun for me too :)  So, here goes! 

On my mind...

• our AMAZING family pictures we had taken this weekend!  You can see a sneak peek here on my friend Cindy's blog.  She did such a great job, I can hardly wait to see the rest of them!
• my surgery to have my gall bladder removed is FINALLY scheduled for next Monday, so I am trying to get my plans for the kids all taken care of
• Kaden's hand - yesterday he was hurt during his football game (stepped on, we think?) and we are just home from the ER, and it's not broken - woohoo!
• this is a MOPS craft week, I've got a bunch of things to gather up to get ready before Wednesday
• I am already behind on my Bible study, and it's only week two *sigh*
• I need to get the rest of the kids fall/winter clothes out and the summer stuff packed away...yet the warm weather is still hanging around, I guess that can wait a little longer, right?

rough road

This last few months have been a rough road, to say the least.  And last week was one of the worst for me so far, for some (or should I say many?) reason(s). 

I think it may have been because I had alot of things going on, maybe the "busy-ness" added to the stress I have already been feeling?  Also, I FINALLY made an appt with the surgeon for my gall bladder (after 5 years...) and have surgery scheduled for this month!  I know that also added to my stress level.  AND, I was not feeling the greatest last week - just a cold & that all over "I don't feel good" feeling.  Anyway, it was a rough week.  Lots of tears, lots of emotions...still asking WHY, and just missing my Dad.  I miss calling him just to talk, I miss his silly facebook posts, and the list goes on (and on...). 

So, I decided I need to sloooow down & take care of myself. I spent most of the weekend not doing much, just relaxing & clearing my mind a little, and that was exactly what I needed to do.  The kids & our lives keep me so busy that I do not take the time I need to just BE.  So, this weekend I did, and I could feel such a big difference this morning.

 I finally told the kids the truth about what happened to my Dad on Sunday (minus the "how" which they never asked about - yet).  I know that was really weighing on me, and I feel much better having that "lie" off my chest.  I had done A LOT of reading over the summer about suicide, and all of it said you should be honest - and we had not been.  We told the kids that Grandpa had died in his sleep, mostly because I was not ready to accept the truth myself, nor talk to them about it.  Well, I had been praying about it and knew in my heart I had to tell them - I just waited until I was ready, I guess.  And the conversation went much better than I had hoped.  They did not understand why someone would want to die & leave their family behind - but I explained that I could not understand that part either.  I told them that there was a horrible thing wrong in Grandpa's brain that made him very unhappy, and ready to leave this life and go to Heaven.  They accepted it, for now.  I am sure there will always be more questions later, but I hope that as time heals me, I can be available for their questions as well. 

That all brings me to this morning.  Today, I feel like I have a new week ahead of me.  I feel much "lighter" if that makes sense.  I feel that inspired feeling, I feel like I want to walk with my head up high, and try my best to just keep pushing ahead.  Today I don't feel so weighed down, and it feels much better than last week.

It's been a rough road...but I know I'm going to be okay :)

*I posted this song on facebook before - but I love the way it makes me feel strong when I hear it, so I thought I'd post it here too:

 

Let it Go - TIm McGraw

I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It's hard when the devil won't get off your back
It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

[Chorus]
Today I'm gonna keep on walking
I'm gonna hold my head up high
I'm gonna leave it all behind
Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows
Threatening me with all the things that they know
Choices and mistakes, they all know my name
But I'm through holding in and holding onto all that pain

[Chorus]

I know I know I know I've been forgiven
I know I know I know I'm gonna start living

 

back to school 2010

This is the year that I have anticipated, talked about with great excitement, and thought might never come ;)   Yes, this is the year that all four of my kids are in school.

Do you know what that means?  It means that while Ava is in preschool, I could have 5 hours a week ALONE.  Alone.  Alone?  OMGoodness....ALONE! 

But, Ava goes to school on Tuesday & Thursday mornings, and Thursday  is when my bible study group meets, so I am down to 2.5 hours - but that is 2.5 more than I've had in the last 10 years :)

I can't wait to find out what I will do with all of that free time...

trying again

Today I had a special memory pop into my head...

It was about the covered bridge, and the time I blogged about it, and then my Dad & I commented back and forth about it.  Then, he added a picture to my post, etc.

So, today I was thinking through all of this and realized that was all still here on my blog.

The reason this all means so much to me?  My Dad passed away on May 20th, and I realized that some of our "conversations" were still here for me to read.  I knew his words would bring some comfort to my broken heart.  I was right.  Not only was it WONDERFUL to read his words again, it has also been nice to look back through some of my archives and read some of our fun times together.  This has also reminded me why I blog in the first place, and has inspired me to start up again.  I worry that this will become a hard blog to read for a while, but at the same time am not sure just how much I feel comfortable sharing here.  My emotions are still VERY real & raw.  I know it would help me to share some of it, but I may stick to my personal journal?  Time will tell, I guess.

But for now, I am trying again. 

Starting with today. 

I decided to drive through the covered bridge on the way home from the pool today.  The whole time I was thinking about my Dad & our shared memories of the bridge. 

I was thinking to myself...I just want to talk with him, I want to know everything is okay, I want (NEED) to know that I am going to be okay,  I want to hear the"beautiful ride" song.

 And don't you know... that very song came on the radio right then?  Of course, I start to cry - then I look to the sky.  I am not sure what I was looking for, but I just wanted to acknowledge that I had him on my mind.  The sky was so clear & blue - it was perfect, so I snapped a picture, and thought to myself....I want to remember this moment ♥

*lyrics to the song  "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allen

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

I WANT to blog

I do.  I really do.

I want to keep track of our days, I want to remember the little things that the kids say & do, I want to inspire and be inspired. 

I want to blog. 

 So, why can't I seem to get it together lately?

creative spaces

I am on a hunt for CUTE creative spaces!

We have lived in our house for about 8 years, and have been pressed for space for about the last 5 or so.  We have an attic the size of our house (slanted celings) that I have wanted to make into a toy room & extra bedroom.  My *plan* would be...move the boys upstairs & the girls to the back bedroom, which would leave an empty room.  I've been ready to make that my craft room/office for YEARS :) 

Here is a wonderful blog post that has a bunch of great craft room ideas...a girl can dream, right?

snow!

Tomorrow is our THIRD snow day in a row! 

I think this is a record as far as I can remember, and we already had a short week & long weekend planned.  The kids get out early Thursday for conferences, and have Friday off for the same.  THen, Monday is a scheduled holiday off. 

I am really hoping that they get to have school on Thursday because that is also the day that the Valentine parties are scheduled...and we know that kids all hate to miss party days :)

I was starting to feel a little stir crazy, because we also had a big snow over the weekend which canceled most plans we had.  I was able to get out yesterday for some much needed retail therapy!  I had some birthday money to spend...a couple of cute new t-shirts, and a pretty necklace were just what I needed. 

Yes, I just had a birthday last weekend - I am 30 all over again!  We were out of town on my actual birthday, visiting some friends & celebrating my God-daughter Katelyn's birthday.  We all went out for breakfast, and to a cool museum in Cincy.  It was a fun weekend.  This weekend we celebrated with Harry's family (that is where I took the picture of Ava above, jumping on the mini trampoline).  We had pizza and watched "Up" with them, it was a nice relaxing night.  The kids actually watched a WHOLE movie...no pausing & rewinding like home :)

I was supposed to have MOPS tomorrow, but that is also canceled.  I am bummed!  This week we were planning a spa themed meeting, and we were doing all kinds of things to pamper each other, and we were making some comfy fleece neck wraps (filled with rice & microwaveable - similar to these).  I am having SO much fun this year as the craft coordinator, it really inspires me to find fun ideas - and I love organizing them for all of the ladies.  I am also still doing my ladies Bible study on Thursday mornings, and really enjoying that too.  There is such an amazing variety of women, and it is a wonderful learning experience for us all.  I get many of the older woman telling me how they enjoy hearing me share stories from my life, and I feel just the same.  We are all in different stages of our lives and have so much to learn from each other!

Well, I really wanted to take some time to do a catch-up post soon...and it looks like I just did without really thinking it through :)  I hope that everyone out there is enjoying this winter weather.  Be safe & stay warm!

so incredibly tired....

In fact, I am off to bed after this post.  At 9 PM.  Wow.

I am SOOOO ready for Christmas break & so thankful that tomorrow is the last day of school.  I know (as always) I may feel differently once I am trying to entertain the kids for the next few weeks, but I am so ready for a break from the constant running to/from schools, and the nagging in the mornings.  It can not come soon enough!

In spite of being completely exhausted today, I managed to make 3 kinds of fudge, build 5 gingerbread houses, gather up & wrap 3 teacher gifts, and get my kids to bed early!  Now I must follow...

back to blogging?

I really want to get back to blogging - it just seems like there is not enough time lately.  I am sure it is because of all of the "extras" around Christmas - it seems like we have had something to do nearly every night of the week!  Tonight it is a girls Christmas dinner - I am looking forward to it :)  Dinner in a nice restaurant, fun times with my girlfriends,a gift exchange...should be lots of fun!

I've still been doing alot of crafting, and Ellie & I sold alot of our stuff, as well as stuff from friends at a sale at our church last weekend. All of the proceeds went to the Sudan project, which is our church's big mission area.  They have built schools (and adult life skills training places), water yards & churches for the people in that area.  Anyway, we raised $155.50 and are still waiting to hear the final total raised.  It was alot of fun, and I am looking forward to making it a yearly service project for our family.

I've also been busy around the house, not just decorating for Christmas, but also doing some painting, purging, organizing and some much needed deep cleaning.  It is amazing to me how much "stuff" we have & I thought that it would be a perfect time to get rid of some of the extra (of course, only to bring in LOTS more at Christmas time).  I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel though.  Not that I want to wish away the days of my kids being little AT ALL....but, I am noticing that this year the older kids are getting very few toys - and toys makes up 90% of the mess around here.  I also know that when the time comes that my little ones are no longer collecting their little toys in groups around the house, that I will be sad.  The other day I walked into the bathroom and saw this.....

.    .

These little moments make me pause & smile :)  right in the middle of my busy days.  I love being a Momma to preschoolers - it really is the best age, but it sure does go by fast!  Next year Zander will be in Kindergarten, and Ava will be in preschool - it seems so strange to think of  already.  Four kids in four different schools -oh my!  And I thought we lived in the car now...