This last few months have been a rough road, to say the least. And last week was one of the worst for me so far, for some (or should I say many?) reason(s).
I think it may have been because I had alot of things going on, maybe the "busy-ness" added to the stress I have already been feeling? Also, I FINALLY made an appt with the surgeon for my gall bladder (after 5 years...) and have surgery scheduled for this month! I know that also added to my stress level. AND, I was not feeling the greatest last week - just a cold & that all over "I don't feel good" feeling. Anyway, it was a rough week. Lots of tears, lots of emotions...still asking WHY, and just missing my Dad. I miss calling him just to talk, I miss his silly facebook posts, and the list goes on (and on...).
So, I decided I need to sloooow down & take care of myself. I spent most of the weekend not doing much, just relaxing & clearing my mind a little, and that was exactly what I needed to do. The kids & our lives keep me so busy that I do not take the time I need to just BE. So, this weekend I did, and I could feel such a big difference this morning.
I finally told the kids the truth about what happened to my Dad on Sunday (minus the "how" which they never asked about - yet). I know that was really weighing on me, and I feel much better having that "lie" off my chest. I had done A LOT of reading over the summer about suicide, and all of it said you should be honest - and we had not been. We told the kids that Grandpa had died in his sleep, mostly because I was not ready to accept the truth myself, nor talk to them about it. Well, I had been praying about it and knew in my heart I had to tell them - I just waited until I was ready, I guess. And the conversation went much better than I had hoped. They did not understand why someone would want to die & leave their family behind - but I explained that I could not understand that part either. I told them that there was a horrible thing wrong in Grandpa's brain that made him very unhappy, and ready to leave this life and go to Heaven. They accepted it, for now. I am sure there will always be more questions later, but I hope that as time heals me, I can be available for their questions as well.
That all brings me to this morning. Today, I feel like I have a new week ahead of me. I feel much "lighter" if that makes sense. I feel that inspired feeling, I feel like I want to walk with my head up high, and try my best to just keep pushing ahead. Today I don't feel so weighed down, and it feels much better than last week.
It's been a rough road...but I know I'm going to be okay :)
*I posted this song on facebook before - but I love the way it makes me feel strong when I hear it, so I thought I'd post it here too:
Let it Go - TIm McGraw
I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It's hard when the devil won't get off your back
It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack
[Chorus]
Today I'm gonna keep on walking
I'm gonna hold my head up high
I'm gonna leave it all behind
Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah
I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah
Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows
Threatening me with all the things that they know
Choices and mistakes, they all know my name
But I'm through holding in and holding onto all that pain
[Chorus]
I know I know I know I've been forgiven
I know I know I know I'm gonna start living
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