Today was one of those days that some people complain about...but for me, a rainy day usually means we slow down & hang out at home. And sometimes, like today, that means a day full of relaxing and quiet times. The kids have been busy watching videos, reading library books & playing games...and I have been relaxing here on the computer reading too.
I wish I could say the reading material has been something I am happy to read about, but that is not exactly true. I would rather not even know the word that I sometimes allow myself to type into google. Even more than that, I wish I was not so familiar. The word is suicide. And the reason is the death of my Dad on May 20, 2010.
Since then, I have spent MANY hours researching. For me, I know it is one of the ways of dealing with the unanswered "Why?" question that plagues those who have lost a loved one in this way. And sadly, the ONLY person who can answer any part of that heavily loaded question is not here to ask. My Dad did leave a note, or I guess you could say notes...but even his well written reason behind his actions couldn't help us to understand how someone so kind, loving & happy could hold such pain in such secrecy.
Today, I clicked from link to link, blog to blog and read about other people who have connections to the same dark word. It is strange how I can want to be involved with making people aware through places like this site, yet then also be comforted in reading about other families who have ben touched by suicide. I'm sure part of it is the fact that no one likes to feel alone, but it's also more than that...I am an optimist, and I like to read of people who OVERCOME. But, as I sit here this afternoon & read story after story, I see people who have trouble doing that. I see people who, after years & years, still carry the pain as if it just happened. One woman even said "when a person commits suicide they do not end their pain; they give it to us to bear for them, for the rest of our lives!" How true that can be.
For me, there will always be a part that carries pain, BUT there is also a place in my spirit that KNEW (even the very day that my Dad died) that I would not let anger or sadness be all that I lived. I knew I couldn't live like that, I knew I couldn't raise my kids like that or be a good wife to my husband like that. I have asked the questions, I have read the books. I have prayed & leaned on God's promises like I never had to before. I have surrounded myself with positive people, I have joined support groups, I have allowed others to help me.
And finally, I have lived. I have overcome.